June 3, 2020

Satire: ‘The Chimes’ cancels print forever

The Chimes has ceased running print editions until the end of time.

Since a “stay-at-home” order has been enforced due to the spreading of COVID-19, the Chimes has found it difficult to put together a print edition weekly.

“I’m fortunate to be leading such a great team, but you won’t catch me anywhere near them for the next few months. Absolutely not,” Heather Barr, editor-in-chief of the Chimes, said. “I’ll be providing helpful guidance from my impenetrable home fortress.”

This is the last picture the Chimes took before the virus swept the nation. Maybe one day, the team will take another picture…

There have been various responses to the cancellation of the print editions. Actually, there were those that had no clue that the Chimes even existed.

“I didn’t even know what the Chimes was at first,” Gabbie McDoogle, first-year accounting major, said. “I heard people mention it before, but I thought it was a music group on campus. I was sad to hear that wasn’t the case. They should become a music group though. Journalism is dead.”

The few faculty members that actually read the Chimes talked about the recent decision to cancel print. 

“I was upset to hear that the Chimes canceled their print,” John Geyser, director of Residence and Commuter Life, said. “Now I won’t be able to use their latest issues as toilet paper.”

Geyser made it a clear point that even before the shortage of toilet paper caused by the current pandemic, he was still using the newspapers for bathroom sanitation purposes.

Some students have been delighted to hear that the Chimes print issues have been cancelled, such as Rick Snobinson, a junior computer science major.

“They published an article about video games that was absolute garbage,” Snobinson said. “They didn’t list any Nintendo games, screw them. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, unless that opinion is different from my own, in which case, you are wrong. Basically, if you’re going to be wrong, be right.”

Others have shown concern for the publication of the Funion, the newspaper’s satirical issue. One such person is Daniel Mills, first-year theatre major.

“As long as they don’t cancel the Funion, then I’m not that upset,” Mills said. “The general news is good and all, but sometimes you just want to laugh and forget about how bleak the world can be at times.” 

Amid the cancellation of print issues, all manner of rumors and gossip have started to spread.

“I knew there was something suspicious going on when I saw the same old issue for the past two weeks,” Jake Royce, sophomore music major, said. “I heard that the security officer who got fired last year for throwing newspapers away came back and has been exacting his revenge once more.”

“Some friends told me that the university completely cut their budget in an attempt to silence them,” Janet Smitts, senior nursing student, said. 

Despite the cancellation of print issues, the community can still get their weekly dose of the Chimes at www.cuchimes.com

  • Robert Cumberlander is the Editor-in-Chief of The Chimes and a junior at Capital University, majoring in Film and Media Production with a minor in Entrepreneurship.

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