May 27, 2022
One student is shown getting ready to slap another across the face in a brutal slap fight challenge.

Satire: Capital Athletics to start slap fight team, Will Smith to lead team

The Capital University athletics department has announced the forming of a new sports team on campus, as slap fighting becomes an official university-affiliated sport. 

Interim athletic director Dr. Wardell Freezing sounded excited to bring this new sport to campus, and is looking forward to building the sport at the college level. “It brings me great pride to be able to establish a new sport here at Capital University. Ever since I saw Jake Paul promote the event at the 2022 Arnold Classic, I knew this sport had a place at our hallowed learning institution,” he said. 

The University has also announced that actor Will Smith will be joining the inaugural staff as the team’s first ever head coach. 

“Right after I saw his performance at the Oscars I got on the phone and offered him the job. I just know he has all the right qualities to establish this program as a winner,” said interim AD Dr. Freezing. 

The sport takes place across a barrel, which is used to separate the two competitors. Then, each athlete takes turns slapping the other until one throws in the towel, is knocked out, or if the match reaches twenty rounds, at which point it will go to sudden death where the judges decide the victor. 

Additionally, if one competitor is knocked down three times during the match, it is ruled a KO for their opponent. The onsight doctors can also stop the match if necessary. 

For those unfamiliar with the sport, there are three main rules that the athletes need to follow. The first rule is no clubbing. All slaps must use an open palm; no fists or hitting with the wrist is allowed. 

The second rule is no stepping. All competitors must keep their feet planted shoulder-width apart when going for their slap.

Lastly, no flinching. Small movements are allowed, but dodging out of the way or raising a shoulder to block the slap is not allowed. 

Each athlete gets a warning for the first violation of each kind, after that they lose their slap for the next round, meaning they would have to get slapped twice in a row. 

Making cool wrestler nicknames is also encouraged, but not required per the official rulebook. 

In order to build awareness for the team and the sport on campus, some of the team’s first members will be taking part in a practice match at the fountains. 

This event will feature many athletes making their slap fight debut, but it will be headlined at the end by a match between Josh “The Space Cowboy” Churro and Barken “Thunderclap” Blue. 

These two are captains on the Capital slap fight team and have been fans of the sport since before it got to the university. 

“I’m looking forward to a good match,” said The Space Cowboy. “I may have to go easy on Thunderclap so the match can go on long enough to be interesting,” he said. 

No matter what happens, it is bound to be an exciting event. Beyond this, though, the Capital team is looking to dominate in OAC play, as their official season gets underway with a match against Otterbein. 

“We’re looking to win the whole thing,” Thunderclap said. “Looking around this room, I really think we have the people in place to challenge for a title right away. I’m excited for the growth of our team as we move forward and begin to establish a real program here at Capital.”

  • Anthony DiCerbo is a junior at Capital majoring in professional writing/ journalism. Anthony is an avid sports fan and enjoys watching and writing about football, hockey, and various esports.

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