June 20, 2024

Satire: Infamous Mountain Dew reporter gone missing

At approximately 4:20 a.m. Saturday, missing person reports surfaced to campus police. 

The missing person in question is infamous Mountain Dew reviewer, Barken Blue.

Rumors about Blue’s safety being threatened have already begun to circulate. 

At the time of writing, there are no reliable leads regarding the cause of Blue’s sudden disappearance, but some students have made speculations

When asked, first-year student Rembrandt Jones said, “Barken Blue? Wait, isn’t that Thunderclap from the slap fight team?”

To further the investigation, the Chimes paid a visit to campus police. Upon arriving at the public safety building, the campus police were laughing and having a good time over some bottles of Sprite. When Blue’s disappearance was brought up, suddenly the mood turned. Coldly, they stated that, “This isn’t something you should get yourself into. It’s best to stay out of things you don’t understand.” 

It seemed like everywhere I turned there were just Coca-Cola fanatics and no PepsiCo lovers. 

After leaving public safety I began to wonder why the police struggled to give me any definitive information. I began to worry because my leads were fleeting. There were only a few remaining places to search. 

I scoured thousands of gas stations, drive thrus, and other various Mtn. Dew carriers for any kind of information. To no surprise, there was no more Dew. Luckily, the Taco Bell on Livingston Avenue was loaded with Baja Blast, so I wasn’t going thirsty. Otherwise, we lived in a Dewless land, and our champion of Dew lost in action.

A week went by before further information presented itself. 

As I approached the fountains the next morning, I saw a figure wearing dark clothes and a familiar hat. It was Barken! I ran towards him.

”He told me that he had been on the run from Coca-Cola operatives, and they are out to finally end the PepsiCo brand and its associates. He told me he is safe for now, and that everyone should buy up any remaining Mtn. Dew or other PepsiCo products to continue “fighting the good fight.” 

We quickly dispersed so that he could return to hiding. Our Mountain Dew hero calls upon all PepsiCo rebels to fight against the Coca-Cola conglomerate, one drink at a time.


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