December 5, 2021

Satire: ‘Bed, Bars, and Beyond’: Sheetz taps comforter store to replace the Zig

Rumors of hometown favorite bar the Zig being replaced have been floating around for months now. 

The chain stores of Sheetz is the one to supposedly buy out the land that the Zig now sits on. 

However, the rumor mill has been spouting out the wrong place! A Bed, Bath, and Beyond will be taking the Zig’s place…but with a little twist.

Bed Bath and Beyond has been a huge box store for years – selling throw pillows, comforters, back massagers, and whatever lies in the beyond section – but most importantly they sell sheets! In a bizarre hybrid type of store, Bed Bath and Beyond has teamed up with Sheetz to create a special, Bexley only shopping experience. 

Sheetz brand sheets and bedspreads will be available soon! 

“I  love  Bed Bath & Beyond,”Clark Williams, third-year music tech major said.  “They have the best lotions, scented candles,  and spray deodorants. Wait a minute, am I talking about the right store?”

Capital students will soon be able to wrap their twin XL dorm room beds in purple bedspreads made specifically for them! 

Bailey Jones, fourth-year  nursing major is a fan of the move.

“I’ve never been to  one of their stores before, but  now is a great opportunity.”

Josh TunCuro, third year emerging media major, didn’t seem to know what the Zig was, saying, 

“I’ve never even heard of the Zig. It sounds like a male strip club, or something.”

Altough some students were sad to see the highly acclaimed college drinking hole get Thanos snapped in place of a gas station, others were happy to see the chnage, like incoming Supreme Leader of Capital Student Government, Matthew Shortgal.

“I literally live for Bath and Body Works,” said Shortgal. “It helps me keep my youthful charm.”

What about the Berwick Civic Association and other Bexley natives, though? 

Luckily,  the newly-formed team of Bed Bath and Beyond and Sheetz was able to win the delegation over with a year’s worth of scented hand sanitizers and a lifetime discount on gas and snacks.

“Maybe the traffic won’t be too bad after all,” said Stan Smith, Bexley resident. 

“Plus, all those noisy college students used to back up that intersection anyways.”

Barbara Ruckers , fellow Bexley resisdent, had a rather interesting take on the stuation, throwing in a curveball that nobody expected.

“What we really need at Livingston is a roundabout, those things are too good to fail.,” said Ruckers. 

“I’m going to bring this up at the next meeting and I won’t take no for an answer.”

So, will this replacemnt fill in the void left by the legendary college bar? Only time will tell. 

For now, get ready for cheap gas, a variety of snacks, and….. comforters?

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