March 1, 2024

Satire: #CapFam Files for Divorce

On Saturday, April 3, an anonymous source with close ties to Capital University submitted documentation showing that our beloved #CapFam has filed for divorce. 

For a generation now, Capital University students, alumni, faculty, and staff have coined the phrase #CapFam to symbolize what our community is. However, a well-guarded secret is that this phrase originated from a married couple who are the current owners of our University. 

According to our source, when the University started to undergo some financial troubles, the Board of Trustees made the decision to put our home on market. While on the market, the esteemed couple of Carl and Melissa Cadbury came in with the best offer and received our University. 

During the contract negotiations, our source informed us that in the aftermath of the divorce, the University would be split among the two parties. The contract stated that a line would be drawn between the pathway of our beloved fountains dividing the property in half. 

In this scenario Carl Cadbury would receive the eastern portion of the campus including the Capital Center, and Melissa would receive the western half containing the Conservatory and their hidden namesake the CMC, which will be renamed into MC upon the divorce’s finalization. 

The files submitted by our source indicate that the divorce is a result of an affair had by Carl Cadbury. According to our source, Mr. Cadbury was caught inside ‘Cappy’ the Crusader’s outfit with long time rival Cardy the Cardinal. 

The identity of Cardy has been redacted in the documentation we received, but states that, “Mr. Cadbury, dressed as ‘Cappy’ the Crusader was found skirt down… with Cardy the Cardinal.” 

Parts of the quote were removed due to its vulgar and inappropriate nature.

In our source’s final minutes of conversation they informed us that the board has decided that following the class of 2021’s graduation ceremony our section of the Berlin Wall will be placed between the fountains symbolizing the divorce and the divide our university. Upon its placement, additional concrete sections will be placed, creating a permanent divide between our East and West end.  

For years now, our university has kept our private ownership hidden, and despite many invitations, the Cadburys have refused to comment on this story. So, it unfortunately appears that our happy family will only have a few more happy months as the #CapFam.


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