April 15, 2021

Satire: Germany Called, they want their Berlin Wall Back

Over the weekend, Capital University received a devastating phone call. Germany called and demanded the university’s piece of the Berlin wall be returned. 

Many students attend Capital for the sole purpose of breathing the same air as a piece of the Berlin Wall. 

The student body was shocked to find out that this precious piece of history was no longer present on campus. 

Upperclassmen were the most disappointed by Germany’s actions, considering they have seen it on campus everyday for 3 and 4 years. 

When asked about the removal of Capital’s piece of the Berlin Wall, junior, Kylie Jenner had a lot to say. 

“What’s the Berlin Wall?” she asked, without looking up from her phone.

Jenner’s words and tone provoked intense sadness about the removal of the Berlin Wall. 

Senior Tristan Thompson was equally surprised when interviewed. 

“What are you talking about? There was never any wall on campus,” said Thompson. 

It’s clear the student body is incredibly shaken up over this occurrence, so I decided to give Germany a call in order to get to the bottom of it. 

The transcript of my exclusive interview with Germany: 

Bridget: “Germany, our student body is distraught about the removal of Capital’s piece of the Berlin Wall. Can you provide us with any type of explanation?” 

Germany: “No comment.” 

Bridget; “C’mon Germ, spill the tea.” 

Germany: “Okay here’s the deal. We just felt that like the Berlin Wall piece wasn’t getting like as much appreciation as it deserves. We can’t accept that kind of negativity in 2021.” 

Bridget: “Well on behalf of Capital’s student body, I can honestly say this is a great loss for our university.” 

Germany: “Yeah, well, you probably should’ve thought about that. Sounds like a you problem.” 

Unfortunately, I was not able to get Germany to agree to returning Capital’s former piece of the Berlin Wall. 

Despite the student body’s distress surrounding the situation, several petitions have already been sent around requesting a plethora of different things to take the place of Capital’s former Berlin Wall piece. 

So far, the petition for a vending machine to be put in the Berlin Wall’s place has the most signatures. The petition for the wall to be replaced with a dumpster is in a close second. 

Unfortunately, the Capital classes to come will not know what it’s like to breathe the same air as a piece of the infamous Berlin Wall. 

There has been no further communication with Germany, but Capital University isn’t giving up just yet.

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