April 15, 2021

Satire: Horoscopes: April 2-April 9

Go ahead and treat yourself to that overpriced Starbucks drink. You’re gonna need it.

Congratulations, your screen time will be up 10% this week.

One of your professors is going to be very irritable this week, so you should avoid playing devil’s advocate during class unless you want to get roasted by said professor. That would not be ideal.

Do they really like you or are they just using you for free therapy? Be honest with yourself this week.

Okay, we get that quality time is your love language. You can stop telling everyone now.

Someone might make fun of you for being interested in astrology…don’t punch them in the face.

Instead of being productive, you’ll lose track of time and spend a few hours scrolling through TikTok. We all know it’s gotten to “that point in the semester,” we get it.

You’re going to get involved in some meaningless Twitter beef, and yes, you’re going to regret it after.

Stop trying to convince yourself that coffee is an adequate substitute for water, because it’s not. Stay hydrated!

You’ll probably receive at least one phone call regarding your car’s extended warranty.

You’ll only have four mental breakdowns this week. Is that a new record?

You might run into the person who ghosted you recently, but don’t panic. It’ll be way more awkward for them than it will be for you. 

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