September 27, 2022

Satire: “This Race is Called to Order”: Capital University’s Supreme Leader Talks Race to the Finish Line

This spring, it appears that NASCAR Club has taken a spot atop the podium in an unexpected way: by organizing a coup de ’taut within Capital University’s Student Government.

Student Government Senate elections are typically held every April, and this year appeared to be no different. Candidates filled out applications in early March, and voting was set to begin on April 14.

But last Wednesday, a concerning announcement was posted to the Student Government Instagram story. The photo showed NASCAR Club President Matthew Shortgal standing in front of a podium holding a gavel, and the caption read: “This race is called to order.”

A campus-wide email declared that the anticipated Student Government elections were cancelled, following an unexpected organization merger with NASCAR Club. Effective immediately, and until further notice, Shortgal will be heralded as the Supreme Leader of the Capital University student body.

In an exclusive interview granted to The Chimes, Shortgal revealed that, although his new position may seem tyrannical, he achieved the promotion through the process of democracy: “Listen, I know how it looks. But no one’s broken any rules here. I’m looking forward to taking on the mantle of Supreme Leader and driving our students to reach their fullest potential.”

As everyone is well aware, NASCAR Club is a growing phenomenon here at Capital. Recently, the Club has sponsored events with a broad range of student organizations, proving that the racing enthusiasts have truly cornered the social sphere of the university.

Apparently, several NASCAR Club devotees were duly elected into the Student Government Senate, with terms beginning last fall semester. These would-be racers spent the year slowly enacting their multi-step plan to wrest control.

First, Senate Bill NASCAR was proposed last December, an unprecedented piece of legislation that called for the merging of Student Government and NASCAR Club. The bill’s sponsors argued that this was only reasonable because of NASCAR Club’s increased campus presence, and the partnership would benefit both organizations.

Senate Bill NASCAR passed unanimously.

Next, in March, came NASCAR Ordinance No. 5, which created the position of Supreme Leader and appointed Shortgal to the newly-created spot on the Executive Board.

Shortgal’s first act as Supreme Leader was to issue NASCAR Mandate No. 1, which ordered the disbanding of Student Government, effective immediately.

Since the position description of Supreme Leader was never clearly stated, student complaints to the university were dismissed. Shortgal’s authority appears to be unlimited.

The whirlwind transition of power at Capital University has been a bit hard to process for some, but Supreme Leader Shortgal is confident that most students will not even be able to recognize that a power shift has taken place.

“It’ll just be business as usual around here. I don’t plan to abuse my power or anything—I’m just relishing the opportunity to really make a difference for Capital students,” Shortgal comments. “I’m looking forward to seeing everyone at the mandatory race watch party on Renner Lawn this weekend. Remember—if you miss it, you’ll be automatically removed from your campus housing!”

*This article has been edited and approved by Supreme Leader Shortgal.

  • Emily is a sophomore English literature major at Capital, and a reporter and distribution manager for the Chimes. When she's not carting papers around campus, Emily enjoys watching Jeopardy, bothering her cats, and eating mac and cheese.

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