April 15, 2021

Satire: ‘The Chimes’ Staff Spends Their Stimulus Checks

With the new round of stimulus checks going out, many have been sharing on social media what their new 1400 dollars will be spent on. 

The Chimes staff has decided to follow this trend and share with their viewers what their plans are with Daddy Joe’s allowance. 

“I would donate my stimulus money to the Facilities office so that they can finally fix the leaking ceiling in the 2nd-floor men’s restroom in Saylor-Ackermann. We should be able to take a shower without worrying if the 3rd floor is going to collapse on top of us,” said Chimes Editor in Chief, Robert Cumberlander. (Editor’s note: The article you are reading was written on March 25. This quote obviously did not age well. For more information, follow @TheChimesNews on Twitter.)

Anthony DiCerbo, Reporter, said that he would spend his stimulus money on university merch. “I can sell it as vintage Cap merch and make a profit when the mascot changes. I’m no business major, but I know a good opportunity when I see one.”

While some plan on spending their stimmy on university related items, other staff members plan on spending their money on personal items.

Zach Ferenchak, Managing Editor, said “I plan on spending my stimulus check on, of course, a full-body Iron Man suit, which I just learned is a thing. It costs about $10,000, though, so the stimulus will only count as a down payment.”

“I have been spending all my time watchingTV. Due to this I have watched a lot of infomercials. This inspired me to buy whatever product shows up. So far, I have three containers of mighty putty, a shake weight, and a wearable towel,” said John J. Price, Reporter.

“I would spend my stimulus money on Trail Mix and Arizona Iced Tea, specifically that sweet Cajun stuff from Target,” said Josh Conturo, Staff Reporter. 

While personal items are expected, others have chosen to use their money on something that will affect others. Whether that be positive or negative is up for debate.

“If I were to recieve a stimulus check (shoutout to my dad for claiming me on his taxes) I would pay One Direction to have a reunion tour,” said Shirleeah Pasco, Chief Layout Editor. 

Callie Urbanic, Chief Copy Editor, said “I will be purchasing vast amounts of sticky hands and a set of tights and a leotard in order to become a crime fighting vigilante. Real power is bought. Real power is 14,000 sticky hands.”

Lily Benedetti, Reporter, sees her stimulus as an opportunity to escape Ohio. “With my stimulus money, I’d buy a one-way ticket out of Ohio and not come back for a while. I haven’t left the state since before the pandemic and I’m starting to go crazy.”

Haven’t we all.

Emily Dietz, Staff Reporter, has big plans with her stimulus check. “I am going to renovate suite 107 of the College Ave. Residence Hall. My planned upgrades include transforming one bedroom into an indoor, inground swimming pool. Another bedroom will be turned into a full-service sauna, while one bedroom will remain as a sleeping area. These planned improvements should only slightly impact the communal laundry room. Some have cautioned against renovating a rented space, but I’m looking forward to the bidding wars when this place goes on the housing lottery.”

Other staff members must have been hungry when thinking about what to use their stimmy on. 

“I’m going to be spending my stimulus on 700 cheeseburgers and 700 mcchickens…just to say I did,” said Bianca Blanks, Copy Editor. 

“I will spend my money on a single meal at Brassica,” said Lauryn Collett, Social Media Manager. What she plans on using the rest of her money on? The world may never know.

Parken Brown, Layout Editor, said “I am going to spend my entire check on Capri Suns. I will do my best to drink pouches as fast as I can. Once I am done I am going to attempt to build a house out of the empty Capri Sun juice pouches.”

Hopefully the Chimes staff can be more responsible when the next round of stimulus checks go out.

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