Cash for Cars: Capital to implement new plans for campus parking lots
After the recent merger with Trinity Lutheran Seminary put Capital into $2 million worth of debt, university officials were desperate to find a new source …
Category: Satire
Provost Funion turns yurt-office into bed and breakfast
Provost Jody Funion has turned his office, a yurt on Schaaf lawn, into a bed and breakfast for students disgruntled with their living situation in …
Students aren’t critical of the Chimes because they don’t read it
What do students really think about the Chimes? To get some constructive criticism, we interviewed students around campus, hoping to get as much input as …
University president named new driver of the Drunk Bus
President Paula Bethany is set to become the new Drunk Bus driver in order to chaperone the students’ intoxicated Thursday night adventures and keep them …
Student government settles on drunk bus as new mascot
Student government has chosen the drunk bus as the university’s mascot after the death and consumption of Purpose the Porpoise at last year’s seafood barbeque. …
Research finds surprising reason behind Capital student’s mediocrity
While there are extraordinary students on campus, there are many more that are nothing special. Since this fact is not exactly promoted by the admissions …