Capital athletes receive strength from unlikely source
Recently, Capital University athletics have embraced the results of a fascinating study and are using it to their advantage. A new scientific study shows that …
Category: Satire
Capital raises tuition, lowers expectations
Capital has announced that it is raising its tuition rates by $3,500, beginning the 2017-2018 academic year. This is a 10 percent increase from the …
A new Space Race? Trump responds to North Korean advances
Earlier in March, the government of North Korea announced that they had successfully landed a man on the sun. Korean space traveler Kim Kim-Kim was …
Chimes office to be turned into aquarium for summer months
The Chimes office in the Convergent Media Center (CMC) will be converted to an aquarium for the summer months, in an attempt to get accepted students excited about …
Old Cosi building to be turned into strip club
On Aug. 15, 2017, the derelict Cosi building on Main Street will become the new home of Bexley’s very first strip club: The Ball Pit. …
Stressed student ‘Heelys’ to escape his ‘feelies’
*The following is a work of satire* Long after the shoe’s decline in nation-wide popularity, Bobby Willips, junior, purchased a pair of Heelys. Heelys are …