January 18, 2021

Satire: Computer elves feeling overworked in the midst of pandemic, form union

In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, students and employees everywhere have transitioned their daily routines to remote. 

Classes are being held virtually, office workers have settled in at home to get their jobs done, and plenty have become unemployed, leaving them to have nothing better to do than to go online.

Since that transition, the little elves that keep our computers functioning are working harder than ever in an attempt to keep their owners happy. 

“It hit us really hard,” Larry, the head elf in my laptop, said. “I mean, we’re used to working long hours, especially during finals season, but this is too much all at once.”

The elves are being overworked not only by running our work and school programs, but also by running programs that we use in leisure. 

“A lot of people are self-isolating, or out of jobs completely, so they’re not going out, which means us elves are working almost non-stop,” Larry said. “We’re running intense PC games, more Netflix than ever before, and even social media on desktop.”

The elves work up to 15 hours at once to keep humans’ electronics running with no food or drink, and, according to Larry, they’re “fed up with it.”

Many people forget that about the little elves that help their electronics run. They’re tired of being taken for granted.

Last week, the elves grouped together in order to form a union and fight for more fair working conditions. They’re asking for more breaks, less intense program usage because “humans rarely close out of their tabs,” and health benefits.

“Our current plan is to contact our humans and make it known that we’re working hard and need some change,” Glenda, the elf leading the Elves Union, said. “We’re hoping they listen, and if they don’t, we’re not afraid to start a revolution.”

Glenda would not provide any further information regarding this potential revolution. 

“I mean, I appreciate our humans,” child elf Timmy said. “Without them, what would I do all day?”

While not every elf is quite as enthusiastic as Timmy, most appreciate the work humans give them. 

Others, however, are truly hoping for a revolution. 

“Heads are gonna roll soon,” Maverick, 20-something emo-looking elf, said. “And they won’t be ours.”

For more updates on the potential elf revolution, be sure to follow The Chimes for updates. 

  • Sydney was the managing editor at the Chimes for her junior and senior years after working as a staff reporter during her first year at Capital in 2017. Sydney graduated in 2020 with a degree in professional writing and journalism. Some of her favorite things are cold brew, books about dragons, horror films, and her cat, Sterling.

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