June 3, 2020

Satire: Goodbye Crusaders, hello Crickets

The university has decided to throw Cappy the Crusader into the abyss in order to make room for their new mascot, Capster Cricket.

Doing away with the topic of “crusade” entirely, the university decided to settle on a brand identity that truly reflects, what they believe, is the amount of energy that the school emits.

“I appreciate the Mascot Study Group’s efforts to settle the Crusader conflict,” Paula Bethany, president of the university, said. “But quite frankly, I think they were overthinking things. ‘Crickets’ just has a nice ring to it, and it fits our energy: dead and empty.”

Due to lack of a budget, the university couldn’t afford to spend a single dime on hiring anyone to play Capster, so they settled on an actual live cricket instead, with provost Jody Funion playing him in a cricket costume at live events.

“It just made sense,” Stefan Brooding, current athletics director, said. “The sound of crickets is the closest thing that we have to school spirit at our athletic games. We’re turning a negative into a positive here.”

As Capster prepares to make his transition to Capital, the university is making sure to roll out the red carpet for him.

“To make Capster feel as welcome as possible on campus, the Office of Residential and Commuter Life have set aside a room in College Avenue for him to stay,” John Geyser, director of Res Life, said. “He also has unlimited access to dining services, so keep an eye out for him when you’re eating and give him a warm, #CapFam welcome. At least, I hope he won’t be hiding among your food.”

As beloved as Cappy the Crusader once was, the late mascot found himself in the middle of controversy amid his affiliations with the Holy Crusades, a series of religious wars resulting in the deaths of many Christians and Muslims.

“This is ludacris. People want my head on a pike,” Cappy the Crusader said. “Okay yeah, the Crusades were kind of bloody, but that’s not what I’m about anymore, honest. How do you go from a handsome warrior like myself, to a freaking insect?”

Since Capster Cricket lacks the human vocal cords needed to answer basic interview questions, he was not able to provide any comments on his recent employment, but his agent was able to do so.

“Capster is ecstatic to be a part of the #CapFam now,” Jerry McGary, Capster’s agent, said. “He’s especially looking forward to the football games next fall.”

While trying to escape one hot button topic, the university has now found itself in another, that being the gender of the new mascot.

“How come we can’t have a female cricket mascot? Or a non-binary one? I mean seriously, are we living in the Middle Ages or something? I would like to speak with some type of management,” Karen Wondershire, senior art therapy major, said. 

Before long, it is suspected that another petition will be put together, advocating for the mascot to change in order to represent every single facet of the student body on campus.

“Me, and many others, just want equal representation in the form of our mascot,” Wondershire said.

  • Robert Cumberlander is the Editor-in-Chief of The Chimes and a junior at Capital University, majoring in Film and Media Production with a minor in Entrepreneurship.

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