August 9, 2020

Satire: Horoscopes, March 26-April 2

Photo by Anastasia Dulgier on Unsplash

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’ll be tempted to text your ex at 3 a.m. out of sheer boredom. Don’t do it, because they’re probably already “quarantined” with someone else at the moment. 

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You’ll run into an old friend at the grocery store, which may or may not be a horribly awkward experience. 

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Use this time to finally binge watch Game of Thrones. It’s now or never. 

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You’re going to download Tinder and Bumble again. You swore you wouldn’t, but quarantine changes people. We get it. 

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

A tweet of yours might go viral, but don’t let it get to your head. 

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22 

It’s time to put the bullet journal down and go take a walk. 

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

That selfie you end up posting on your Snapchat story will be super cute, but don’t expect your crush to see it before the 24 hours is up. 

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your local Starbucks is going to close, so you’ll have to resort to Dunkin’. How tragic … 

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Don’t neglect to wear pants during your Zoom meetings. You’re not as sly as you think you are.

Capricorn | Dec. 21 to Jan. 19

There’s a chance your Netflix account will be hacked. Bad timing, we know. 

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Remember those secret Tik Toks you made but never ended up posting? Yeah, well those will get leaked. 

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You might get ghosted by the person you’ve been talking to since fall semester, but try not to take it personally. 

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