June 3, 2020

Satire: An inside look at the lives of former presidential candidates

Since the 2020 election cycle began, roughly 30 candidates took their shot at running for president. All but three of those candidates have dropped out. Remaining are Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT), former Vice President Joe Biden, and incumbent President Donald J. Trump. The Funion got an inside scoop with all of the former candidates are up to.

Democrats

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) – The Senator sat down with The Funion to tell us about what she has done with her free time. The Senator says she’s been staying in the fight. She said she’s willing to bring the fight to President Trump directly if he does not do more to help people during this pandemic. As a matter of fact, she has taken up Tomahawk fighting which is a traditional fighting style of the Cherookee tribe. 

Pete Buttigieg – former South Bend, Indiana mayor, lovably nicknamed Mayor Pete, has also been improving himself after dropping out of the race. In his free time, Buttigieg has been frequently visiting Microsoft HQ where he is being reprogrammed for his next job as White House chief of staff. 

Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) – Sen. Klobuchar has taken her new-found extra time to stock up for COVID-19. On most days she can be found waiting outside a grocery store at 6 a.m. so she can sneak right past ya and grab 13 rolls of toilet paper really quick. She might run you over on her hunt in the store, but she’ll always say “surry” afterwards. 

Michael Bloomberg – The billionaire and former New York City mayor was forced to drop out. Even after literally paying voters to like him, he was unable to secure many votes. He is spending his days now wiping his tears with hundred dollar bills.

Tulsi Gabbard – Yes, she did finally drop out.

Andrew Yang – Yang’s platform was built on the idea of a universal basic income of $1,000/month. While he has been dropped out for some time now, his ideas may be more important during this pandemic as many seek to give a basic income to American workers. Due to this, Yang has been spending his time listening to Toby Keith’s “How do you like me now?” on repeat. 

Tom Steyer – Tom Steyer’s campaign was heavily focused on climate change. Steyer dropped out after people began questioning how he became a billionaire. Turns out, it was from his brand of ties. All of which look the exact same. It’s that red one with black stripes. 

Marianne Williamson – Williamson was heavily scrutinized for her beliefs in pseudoscience. In her post-campaign life, Williamson has been testing newly discovered rocks in an attempt to cure the world from the coronavirus.

Beto O’Rourke – The former Texas congressman is not only a former congressman, but also a former Texan. After vowing to take away AR-15s and impose stricter gun laws, Texas revoked his state citizenship. 

Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA) – Sen. Kamala Harris has spent the entirety of her time asking Joe Biden to allow her to be his running mate. 

Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) – Sen. Booker has spent his time smiling way too big at everyone in New Jersey. 

Julian Castro – Castro has spent his time as Elizabeth Warren’s dog walker.

Patrick, Bennett, Delaney, Bullock, Sestak, Dr.  Beth Paul, Messam, Ryan, de Blasio, Gillbirland, Moulton, Inslee, Hickenlooper, Ojeda – All dropped out once they realized no one knew they were running in the first place. 

Republicans 

Fmr. Rep. Mark Sanford (R-SC) – Sanford’s campaign was a long shot. But he momentarily rose to fame for showcasing his superb talent at playing the didgeridoo at his campaign events. However, his didgeridoo broke and with it so did all hopes of reaching the White House.

William Weld fmr Gov. Mass. – William Weld also hoped to primary Donald Trump. However, his campaign amounted to very little. He was heavily scrutinized for being “too young” at the age of 74. 

Joe Walsh – Joe Walsh also ran for the Republican nomination. He dropped out in February as he vowed to support the Democratic nominee. He attracted quite the following. Many fans of the band The Eagles pledged tremendous support towards the candidate as they had mistaken him with the infamous guitar player, Joe Walsh. 

  • J.J. is a Junior Political Science major and a Political Correspondent for The Chimes. J.J. served in the Capital University Student Government and has helped on different political campaigns. You can email him at jprice3@capital.edu.

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