October 21, 2020

Satire: Squirrels keep residence halls on lockdown

Governor DeWine has a new ally in enforcing the stay-at-home order: the Capital University squirrels. 

That’s right, the squirrels on campus, notorious for trying to sneak their way into residence halls, are now the reason students are unable to leave. 

Once merely a source of annoyance, these squirrels are now out in full force. With at least one squirrel at every entrance to Saylor-Ackermann, and more showing up every day at other residence halls, students have begun to prepare. 

The nosey squirrels have taken over the doors by Cap Grounds, making it impossible to leave the building.

Saylor-Ackermann is the only residence hall that feels they can outlast the squirrel siege, thanks to Cap Grounds. 

Other students fear the worst when the squirrels inevitably shut them in as well—only surviving on their last trip to the grocery store and a microwave. Unaware of what is happening on campus, Market District is enjoying an unexpected spike in sales. 

In an attempt to get to the bottom of the squirrel sitch, The Chimes reached out to Residential and Commuter Life to see if they had implemented the new security measure, or if it was part of the governor’s statewide shelter in place that went into effect Monday night. 

Upon questioning, John Geyser seemed confused, and at one point asked a reporter if she was sure we even had squirrels living on campus. He finished the conversation by saying that everyone needed to be moving out faster. 

We talked to a few students about the issue, though the interviews were conducted through open windows for everyone’s safety. “I can’t leave anymore!” Derick Rebo, a sophomore living in Saylor-Ackermann, yelled when asked about the squirrels. 

“I used to have to make sure none of them got in when I left for my morning classes, but now it’s like they won’t let me leave the building!” Rebo also said he’s been eating only from Cap Grounds to avoid the squirrels on a trip to MDR. 

Mia Thermopolis, a senior living in the Trinity Suites, fears her living situation may be the next affected. “They’re getting more confident,” she said. “I see them eye-balling me from the trees everytime I go to class.”

You better stay inside. I’m watching.

The best advice we at The Chimes have for residential students is to give the squirrels space. 

Don’t try to pet them—they are wild animals, no matter how well trained they seem right now. Don’t feed them. While you may be trying to help out now that a lot of students are gone, the squirrels we see you as soft-hearted, and may follow you back to make your residence hall the next one on lockdown. 

We’re standing in solidarity with Saylor-Ackermann, and hoping this stay-at-home order ends before the squirrels try to take their watch to the next level. Be safe out there.

  • Becca DeLong is a senior at Capital University and a reporter for the Chimes. She is an English Literature major, a History minor, the Vice President of Sigma Tau Delta, and an Oxford comma enthusiast.

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