June 23, 2024

Satire: Capital athletics disbanded to fund new drag program

Capital University has finally pulled the trigger on dissolving all athletic teams and programs, completely defunding and disbanding them after years of budget cuts. 

A unique program involving wigs, makeup and an entire pallet of duct tape is being instilled in their place in the Capital University curriculum. 

A press conference was held yesterday evening to address the sudden and drastic changes inducted  into the Capital University program. Parents of students, members of faculty and the entirety of the CRU organization brought up their concerns surrounding the new program being inaugurated by Judy Fortune, Capital University provost. 

An insider from the Chimes was able to record several minutes of audio from the conference—reader be warned, the transcripts appear to be incredibly ‘yassified.’

Judy: Sissy the house-down-yes-mama-boots-slay-wig-reveal-yaaaas. Floor open for questions.

Reporter: What does the implementation of this program mean for the university’s sports teams?

Judy: Babe, did you read the cute little pamphlets that were handed out earlier? The ones that I stayed up all night bedazzling for your enjoyment? 

Reporter: Yes, Provost Fortune, the majority of them appear to be illegible due to the overwhelming amounts of glitter and rhinestones. 

Judy: That’s really all you need to know, mister man. Other questions?

Reporter: Why drag? What is this doing for students?

Judy: Let me break it down for you. Anyone can tuck it back, throw on a wig and makeup and call themselves a drag queen. But to be a performer, an entertainer, a true drag queen, one must embark on a journey of self-discovery that will break them down to their core and force them to rebuild themselves. This program contains dozens of different courses and requirements meant to push these kids to their limits. To be a drag queen is to be a make-up artist, a hairstylist, a dancer, an actor, a glamor model, a creative director, a marketer, a booking agent, an entertainer, an event planner, a philosopher…the list really goes on. 

Reporter: So, why is Capital University the place to instill this program?

Judy: Look, babe, we needed to make changes. It was either this or new age meta-spiritualist quantum-jumping timeline-shifting coursework, but I fear that would have led to too many diagnoses from our Health and Wellness department. You all are really not with the vibe, so this press conference is through, officially. You all should do a reverse death-drop, and drop dead.

Provost Judy Fortune gives a press conference on the new drag program.
Provost Judy Fortune attends press conference. Photo by Kevin Capron.

There are multiple reports of Provost Fortune being carried out of the conference on a stretcher after having attempted a death drop, or dip, subsequent to his sassy responses to conference attendees. 

Many participants of the conference have differing opinions on whether Fortune was either too explicit or not transparent enough. Some believe both to be true. Chimes was able to interview a few attendees in the parking lot after the conference. 

When asked if they believe this program is a worthwhile initiative or not, reporter Tuckem Carlsson said, “Are you kidding me, diva? I think this is the best thing to happen to the university since the death of the previous mascot. I’m def sending my children here! Unless I lose the custody battle, which I’m actually on my way to. Toodaloo, babe.” 

Beloved faculty member, Dr. Louis Turnit-Formen offered her point of view subsequent to the conference, saying, “I think this absurdly arbitrary program may introduce quintessential values to members of the student body who have yet to mature enough to have the realization that they are able to access the power they hold in drag in their everyday lives. I also just think this place would be less depressing if we had 6’7” glamazons walking from class to class,” Dr. Louis remarked before she gleefully galloped to her vehicle. 

Former US Secretary of Education, Bessy ‘Devoid of Thought’ Devos, an attendee of yesterday’s conference, declined to interview; however, she did leave one of our reporters with a few thoughtful remarks. “I, personally, may not be the most qualified to speak on education, but I think Capital is making a huge mistake with this drag program. Isn’t drag only open to cisgendered men? Why are you giving me that look? I don’t know about any of this [obscenity]. I just learned that word, ‘cisgendered.’ Isn’t that a funny word? I’m cis, sis! Do you know of any places that serve liquor around here?” Bessy Devos said in her comment to the Chimes

Explicit details of Capital University’s new programming have yet to be disclosed by administration, however, the program is expected to be put in effect immediately. As Provost Judy Fortune said in his closing statement yesterday, “If you can’t tuck yourself, how in the hell are you gonna tuck someone else? Can I get an ‘amen’ up in here?” Immense awkward silence followed in suit. 

There will most likely be no more updates, as all members of the Chimes will be occupied partaking in mandatory group therapy and community service hours after multiple satire article drafts were confiscated by Bexley Police. 

Author

  • Kevin Capron

    Kevin is a graduating senior majoring in Emerging Media and Journalism. He enjoys learning, traveling and making new friends.

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