September 28, 2022

Satire: Water polo team dissolved after first practice

Polo is a historically stuffy, snobbish game for rich d-bags to show who had the fastest horse and the longest stick. Water polo, while it shares part of a name, has next to nothing to do with the former.

Water polo is played in lakes and dirty swimming pools by off-season high school swimmers and barrel-chested jocks. It is a rare sport in that not many people know what it is and that attempting to drown your opponent is not just entirely legal, but encouraged. 

President Dove Coughwoman recently insisted on the creation of a Capital water polo team, saying, “I thought I would share the stash of stolen tuition dollars stuffed in the back of my Audi, but after seeing that first practice, I cannot continue to use the student’s money to put their lives in danger.”

Since nobody has a clue what the sport even is, the first practice went so badly the team is being wiped clean from the athletics department as a whole. That’s right, the CU Waterpolo team is no more. 

One of the better riders, Jackie Smith, was intrigued by the utter failure of her comrade. Image by Josh Conturo.

The first and only practice was held in Alum Creek, just south of the CU Apartments. The lucky man selected for coaching the new water polo team was the men’s golf assistant coach’s assistant, Sal Minnella. 

Minnella said, “I hadn’t a clue what the sport even was when I got the assignment to coach it. So, I just sent an email to all the students that got signed up asking them to bring whatever they thought they would need and that we would go from there.” 

Students arrived at the banks of the putrid creek in an assortment of gear. Seven of the 10 students present, presumably the ones whose parents are paying for their tuition, arrived on horseback wearing Ralph Lauren. Two showed up in swim trunks, yet, for some reason still carrying a polo stick, and only one showed up in a proper speedo with a polo cap. 

Both the students and Minnella realized something was amiss when they noticed just one proper water polo goal, not the required two, was present…with a water polo ball duct-taped to the left post lazily floating towards them. 

Capital University just launched a water polo team, it did not go well. Image by Josh Conturo.

Despite this revelation, the group of intellectuals proceeded with what they thought was a proper water polo game. This resulted in some injuries and a couple dead horses. 

Sadly, none of the players who arrived via horses had ever ridden a horse more than 2 miles per hour without a guide doing all the work. This resulted in the injury of several students. 

Second-year Carlos Collenoskopi said, “I didn’t have much, well, any, experience riding horses so when I tried to turn, my horse just stopped and ducked its head so I was sent flying shoulder-first into a fallen tree trunk…I went to Health and Wellness to get my arm put back in its socket and they bent it in a 90-degree angle the wrong way, they then gave me a bandaid.” 

Another player, Jackie Smith said, “I watched frozen in terror on my steed as C. Mike Rack’s horse ‘Big Johnson’ gave up and bucked him into a clew of leeches.”

One of the horses, named “Big Johnson” simply could not be bothered with this nonsense. Image by Josh Conturo.

Lastly, one student, who wishes to remain anonymous, nearly drowned but was revived during the practice. “I don’t know how to swim,” Harry Azkrak said, “I also don’t remember what happened. I was told I was smacked with a polo stick and a water polo ball on opposite sides of my head at the same time. Next thing I know, I am on the bank of the creek getting mouth-to-mouth from Minnella.”

  • Josh Conturo is a reporter for the Chimes and a fourth-year studying Emerging Media with an emphasis on journalism, and loves all things related to cars, coffee, and comedy.

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