Capital University’s Renner Hall was recently under investigation as a potential meth lab.
Students started to complain about questionable equipment seen in and around the trash cans surrounding the building, leading them to the conclusion that the building is a front for a meth lab.
Beakers, gloves and multiple plastic bags were seen littered around the building. These plastic bags seemed to have unidentified powders and crystals in them.
Upon further inspection, students who have chosen to remain anonymous, stated that they knew for a fact it was crystal meth. They have refused to comment on how they knew this to be fact, but have instead said that is about 95% true, saying, “We would have to try it again to be sure, or rather test it again, but the results should be in soon.”
Students have also reported seeing a well known figure at Capital University, who may or may not be President Dove Coughwoman, in a “Breaking Bad” style hat and glasses, wandering around Renner Hall. He was said to be on the phone aggressively whispering, “I have comet crystal, meet me in the computer lab tonight,” while looking around anxiously.
Some have wondered why Renner Hall is the chosen spot to set up this sketchy business. My answer, why wouldn’t it be? I cannot recall ever seeing students go in or leave Renner Hall, nor have many other students. It is not an area that is often showcased at the University.
An eyewitness said, “It is not like they could start cooking crystal in the Student Union, it would somehow end up being accidentally served in One Main because of their food shortages.”
But why meth? One answer could be that it goes well with Capital’s new mascot, the Comet. Comets, being rocks, are eerily similar to crystals, so it seems on brand for the University. In another story published in this issue, it has been stated that Capital University would be developing a class to teach students how to grow their own marijuana. We can only assume that this shady business could open up a new course on how to cook some meth.
If this investigation has given us any hope, it is that with the new revenue coming in, Capital may be able to fix up some buildings and give students more opportunities on campus.
All in all, if you happen to see strange occurrences around Renner Hall, keep walking. Do not be a snitch, and support the school by getting your hands on some comet crystal.
