September 27, 2022

Satire: Vespa Vanguards take on the world

Joey Frontier, Provost of Capital University, has announced today that he will be creating a new group for “Vespa Riders,” such as himself. The group will be named the “Vespa Vanguards” and membership will be determined by several factors. 

The Vespa Vanguards are a “group of vespa riders looking to protect the community by conducting patrols and stopping crime,” said Frontier. “Criminals will quake in fear when they see our vespas round the corner.” 

Frontier has made it clear that to be part of the Vespa Vanguards, applicants will have to meet three qualifications. 

One such qualification is that every member must boast a “shiny bald head,” as described by Frontier. Every member must also always wear a suit, and third, every member must be riding a bright blue Vespa. 

Some students and faculty have voiced some concern over this move by Frontier. “Ever since he bought that vespa, I feel like he’s let it go to his head,” third-year Michael Adams said.  “He’s started going out on his lunch break to spray paint on the side of buildings “Vespas Rise Up” and “We have nothing to lose but our chains” with a small crudely painted vespa wrapped in chains below it.

“I must say, since the start of the outbursts from Joey, he’s gotten to be a much better artist,” said student John Boile. “I’m really starting to feel the emotions he’s putting in there.”

Frontier has made it clear that he has no intention of stopping with the Bexley area. 

“The Vespa Vanguard will not stop until we are the largest peace-keeping force in the country,” Frontier said. “On every street, in every city, a bright blue vespa will be standing vigilant to protect the world. I could see this becoming a global phenomenon… We don’t plan on using violence, but if push comes to shove, we will not hesitate to use it to protect our communities.”

Local bald man Seth Smitt commented that he was “excited and eager” to see what would happen next with the Vespa Vanguards. “Who knows, maybe if it goes well, I’ll look into getting a vespa myself.”

With cases of police violence on the rise throughout the United States, citizens seemed to be willing to try something a little unorthodox. 

“I don’t know man, why not?” said John Wheelman, a local of the Bexley area. “With how the world’s going, honestly, I’d prefer to put my faith in Joey’s legion than the government.”

Frontier was asked if he had any plans to push this into other fields such as firefighting and EMT. “Well of course,” Frontier said. “We have schematics in the works for both firefighting and EMT-based Vespas, and we have basic prototypes for military applications of the Vespa, as well.”

Both the fire and ambulance vespas are included with the application of large trailer-esque additions, crudely welded to the scooter in a style not too dissimilar to Mad Max. 

This is also true for their military prototypes. There are weapons from mounted machine guns to air missiles.

We asked Frontier how he managed to have so many vespas to produce these prototypes. “Well, I bought my first one, and after that I just couldn’t stop myself,” Frontier said. 

He proceeded to show us a warehouse full of bright blue vespas. When asked how he managed to fund his collection, he replied that he “found them” and then politely asked us to leave because he had “much to do.”

Leave a Reply