September 27, 2022

Satire: Capital announces clown nose mandate

Above image by Parken Brown.

Capital University will now require students, faculty and staff to wear clown noses on campus after the rise of a new highly infectious variant of COVID-19 called the SUGMA variant of COVID-19.

The reason the SUGMA variant is so infections is because it utilizes water droplets that come out of the nose when a person sneezes. It then causes an infected person to sneeze very frequently so that the spread can continue. 

It is for this reason that many universities are updating their policies to help contain the spread of SUGMA, Capital being no exception. 

To combat the spread of the SUGMA variant, Capital has issued a clown nose mandate for students and staff. The mandate requires that all students always wear a clown nose when in public spaces. This includes both indoor and outdoor spaces. The only time an individual is permitted to take off their clown nose is inside their current place of residence. It is also worth noting that all students have to wear clown noses regardless of vaccination status.

The university seems to be taking this variant quite seriously, according to current Capital President Dove Coughwoman, “Students and staff caught without their clown nose will face immediate disciplinary action.”

Coughwoman did not specify what consequences would befall someone caught without their clown nose; when asked, he stared blankly at me for around ten minutes.

As for how this new mandate will affect welcome weekend, Coughwoman has an answer. “Welcome weekend will be relatively the same as before, the main difference being, upon checking in, students will be provided a clown nose and superglue and be asked to affix the nose if they wish to continue with welcome weekend.”

Each student will be provided 2 clown noses, but if you are like me and lose almost every small thing you’ve ever been given, you can buy a 12-pack of clown noses for around $5 at Party City. I know I’ll be stocking up.

You can also make your own nose with a tennis ball and some red paint, although this is not recommended by the CDC as homemade noses are “inconsistent at best.”

It is also worth noting that the noses do have to be red, because according to WHO “the SUGMA variant is just kind of afraid of the color red and maybe also clowns in general.” This also seems to be the reasoning behind healthcare workers now being required to wear clown costumes to work. For those who want to be extra safe, clown wigs can be purchased on Amazon for $6 each.

There is also talk of a nationwide ‘Circus’ being held, in which all US citizens are encouraged to dress up as clowns for a day to raise awareness for the SUGMA variant. While other methods are currently being tested, it seems for now that the clown nose is currently the most effective method of stopping the spread of the SUGMA variant. Until a more effective method is discovered, it seems like we’ll all be living under a circus tent for the foreseeable future.

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