May 19, 2024

Satire: Elon Musk controls the weather for profit

In a recent Department of Defense press release, it was revealed that Elon Musk has secretly been controlling the weather to influence the American people.

In the release, the Pentagon detailed the manner in which Musk has achieved this feat. Patrick Ryder, press secretary of the DOD, said: 

“Musk accompanied a SpaceX mission with his own ulterior motives. In a daring spacewalk, Musk drifted to a secret house he had built in the Earth’s orbit. Once there, Musk began his real mission: To ruin the emotional stability of the American people, destroy the environment and increase Tesla sales.”

Ryder shared information on the nature of Musk’s actions in space: “From his house in the Earth’s orbit, Musk has been firing his latest creation, the W.E.T.-69 [Weather Evolving Technology], into the Earth’s atmosphere to manipulate the weather.” 

The machine looks like a modern bazooka; but, instead of shooting rockets, it shoots “freaking laser beams” to warm and cool the Earth’s atmosphere. 

The machine’s intended purpose was to increase Tesla sales and drastically increase seasonal depression by making the weather wildly unpredictable. In general, the Earth’s temperature rose an average of 6 ​​degrees Fahrenheit over the 12 months the W.E.T.-69 was being used. 

By raising the temperature, Musk aimed to accentuate global warming. 

In Musk’s logic, destroying the environment would further encourage people to buy more Tesla products in an attempt to be more environmentally friendly. Additionally, destroying the Earth would increase the demand to leave the planet and colonize another, which would be done using SpaceX rockets.

The frequent shifts in the weather also incurred a steep increase in seasonal depression, which was reportedly an intentional side effect of the W.E.T.-69. According to an anonymous Spacex worker, Musk reportedly said, “I can’t wait to watch everyone get super depressed–it’s gonna be so freaking funny.” This was also supposedly followed by a self-described “trollface” in an attempt to mimic the formerly popular meme template.

Musk personally used the machine every day for a period of six months before training an unpaid intern named Joshamy Bell, aged only 6-years-old, on the machine. Bell used the machine for another six months before being fired after Musk himself developed seasonal depression. 

Musk took over for an entire week before he tweeted a selfie with the W.E.T.-69 captioned, “Get wrecked losers!! Lolz!!!”

This tweet is what eventually led to Musk being caught, though the government will not be pressing charges because of Musk’s recent financial acquisition of the U.S. Government. 

The Russian military are the ones who finally put a stop to Musk’s maniacal plan, with a daring attack on his orbiting house, destroying both the house and the W.E.T.-69. 

Following the successful destruction and foiling of his plans, Musk held a press conference at the White House. Shortly after the press conference began, Musk ended up storming off the stage, yelling, “And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

Author

  • Adrian Suppes

    Adrian is the current Editor-in-Chief and a third-year student working on a Bachelor of Arts in Music major and Journalism minor. In his free time, Adrian enjoys mountain biking and disc golfing.

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