May 19, 2024

Satire: Secret celebrity cloning technology uncovered

In the past few months, people all over the world have been buzzing about certain celebrities acting or appearing slightly different than their normal selves. Ear lobes, speech patterns and face wrinkles have all been analyzed by keyboard conspiracy theorists, making way for funny memes and the usual onslaught of overly-paranoid Tweets.

Kanye West, Elon Musk and many other celebrities have even been called out on various social media platforms for allegedly cloning themselves so as to “never end their lives of fame and fortune.” 

But how realistic are those internet claims? 

The Chimes has conducted a thorough investigation into the matter, tracing leads deep into the dark web rabbit hole to find the source of the cloning allegations. Where our investigations led us, though, is not much of a surprise. 

“Oh, cloning technology is very real. In fact, I invented it,” asserts German mad scientist Dr. Hughy Decibel. 

“The person who gets cloned actually is able to transfer their consciousness to their clone whenever they want, as I keep the clones stored safely in Area 51. The clone then allows the original person’s consciousness to live on for another human lifetime. Theoretically, a person could just clone themselves over and over again until the end of time, but we haven’t actually been able to prove that yet.”

When asked if anyone famous has been cloned by him, Decibel started to sweat a little.

“I have used cloning technology on a few people in Hollywood, the music industry and even some world government officials. For legal reasons, though, I can’t disclose specifically who.”

However, as Decibel asserted his twisted convictions, he raised up his right arm to scratch his head, revealing a forearm tattoo that conveniently listed all of his cloning clients. 

Some people included on this list were none other than Oprah Winfrey, Madonna, former President Bill Clinton and Elton John.

Other people who were listed came as more of a surprise to the Chimes, as they hit a little closer to home. When the Chimes asked about Fody Journier, provost of Capital University, being one of the cloning clients, Decibel got wide-eyed.

“How’d you know that? … Humph. Very well. I hate to admit this, but Fodi Journier is actually a distant cousin from the French side of my family. Don’t tell anyone that part, though; being part French is a dark spot in my family history.

When I came out with the cloning technology, I obviously needed some test subjects. Fody came through for me at that time, requiring certain members of Capital’s faculty to also participate in the cloning trial in exchange for extra paid sick days in their job contracts. Unfortunately, that first round of cloning subjects developed … a bit of a nasty side-effect. Let’s just say that they aren’t quite human anymore. Their clones also didn’t turn out right, so it really was a lose-lose for them.” 

Also listed on the tattoo was a singular animal name: Harambe, the beloved gorilla from 2016.

When asked about the ethics of cloning an animal that had no ability to consent, Decibel became very serious. 

“Harambe was a special case. If he wasn’t the key to returning the space-time continuum back to its original timeline, then I never would have done it. He was actually the first clone I made, so—” Decibel stopped abruptly.

Decibel then requested that this article be scrapped from the paper; but, seeing as we had a voice recording of his interview and the entire list of his cloning clients, the Chimes declined Decibel’s request. It was just too juicy of an article to pass up.

Unfortunately, the original Chimes investigative reporter who interviewed Decibel has gone missing, and the police have decided to not pursue the case any longer.

Author

  • Trinity Langbein

    Trinity is a senior English Literature, Creative Writing and Spanish triple-major. She enjoys all things humanities and loves to learn about different cultures.

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