May 19, 2024

Satire: Students protest new major requirements

On Friday, March 24, 2023, Capital University sent an email to a portion of the students body stating that there will be new requirements for their majors.

Included in the email were insinuations about each major and the types of students the typically participate in those majors. Additional workloads were even detailed to some majors, while other majors received extra support in some critical areas.

The Chimes has collected information from various students’ emails. Here is what the university had to say:

ENGLISH: You will be required to volunteer your time editing papers for other university students who are non-English majors. We will be disbanding the Academic Success resource, as we realize that this is a much more efficient way to make sure every student has access to your editing skills. 

COMMUNICATIONS: You will now be required to intern with the Admissions Office your third year, and you will be compensated through extra CapBucks for the year that you are interning with them. 

CREATIVE WRITING: All creative writing majors will be required to submit their writing to “ReCap” literary magazine every fall semester. If at least one of your creative works has not been published in “ReCap” or another literary magazine by April of your final spring semester, then the university will be unable to award you a diploma in creative writing.

ART THERAPY: First-year students will now be required to assist at least one fourth-year student with their CapStone project. Fourth-year students will also have full authority to manage first-year volunteers as they see fit.

PHILOSOPHY: All philosophy majors will now be required to double major, as it has come to our attention that this major is unlikely to be employable after graduation, and our postgrad placement rates have been skewed as a result.

JOURNALISM: All journalism majors will now be required to participate in the Chimes practicum, campus sports announcing or appear routinely on CapTV for three out of their four years at Capital University. This will be considered volunteer work, with no class credit.

HISTORY: For the sake of our campus community, just join the political science major already. We cannot legally require this change, but we heavily recommend it. We can work something out …

EDUCATION: Beginning in the fall semester of 2023, all incoming and current education majors are no longer permitted to be employed outside of campus work study positions. 

MUSIC: All instrumentalists and vocalists are now required to perform for at least five student compositions before graduating. However, composition majors themselves are also required to create six compositions per semester. We appreciate your continued support of your fellow students. 

BIOLOGY: The biology major will no longer be offered, as other majors (such as nursing, chemistry or education) would be more applicable to your inevitable career paths.

POLITICAL SCIENCE: Course sections for the political science major will now be separated by political party to alleviate in-fighting within the major. Any instances of unwanted political commentary outside of class will result in your student account being charged.

CRIMINOLOGY: In order to make sure that our curriculum will best fit your needs as a criminology student, we are now requiring that all criminology majors take a psychological assessment prior to the start of classes. Results will not be released to you directly; however, based on your responses, certain authorities may be contacted. 

FOREIGN LANGUAGES: Cooking classes will now be a graduation requirement for all foreign language majors. The language lab, which has been identified as an outdated resource for your department, will now be remodeled into a kitchen. Recent celebrity visitor, Gordon Ramsey, has volunteered to instruct these classes for one year. After his one year contract is complete, he will rotate out winners of “Hell’s Kitchen” to instruct you in international cuisine.

Reactions of the affected students have been varied. Baysic Gyurl, a third-year art therapy major, told the Chimes that “The new requirements will actually help me a lot. I was going to have an anxiety attack trying to write 50 pages on top of creating an entire art gallery myself next year. But, now I have help, thank god!”

However, Twitur Bott, a second-year political science major, couldn’t hold back his anger when he responded to the Chimes’ request to comment. “This is an outrage! Capital cannot simply just reign tyrannically over their students like this! This is unbridled communism that cannot be tolerated! My money is my money– no one else’s!” 

Even with students actively protesting outside of Yochum Hall, the administration has declined numerous opportunities to comment.

Author

  • Trinity Langbein

    Trinity is a senior English Literature, Creative Writing and Spanish triple-major. She enjoys all things humanities and loves to learn about different cultures.

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