June 20, 2024

Satire: MDR featured on ‘Kitchen Nightmares’

World-renowned celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay has been called in to film an episode of “Kitchen Nightmares” in the university’s Main Dining Room (MDR). Ramsay was called by numerous students and even MDR staff members to expose the conditions that Aladdin Campus Dining has subjected them to. 

Ramsay praised MDR’s staff, seeing how much they care for the students they serve daily. However, he immediately vomited and screamed obscenities after tasting the food sent to him by Aladdin. Ramsay called it a “[redacted] disgrace [redacted].” 

Much of the interview with Ramsay could not be quoted here due to the inappropriate nature of the language. Viewers of “Kitchen Nightmares” can guess what was said when going through MDR. 

One of the staff members that chose to remain anonymous said, “I watch the show weekly, and was happy to see him in person. He scared me [redacted] but he was honest. I think his visit will really change things and make more dishes edible. Students won’t have to just eat chicken sandwiches every day anymore.” 

Ramsay rolled out a new menu which included his famous beef wellington. A student who was interviewed said, “It was amazing. But, let’s see how long it lasts.” 

Ramsay also commented on MDR’s decor, calling it “[redacted] hideous.” Capital’s president, Kave Daufman was quick to point out that the decor was themed around Capital’s colors and mascot. Ramsay immediately said that the comet was “bloody ridiculous” and suggested that it be changed to a capybara, which Daufman was insulted by. 

Ramsay was begged by students to film another episode at One Main Cafe. He did stop in for a coffee and immediately spit it back into the cup, screaming, “This isn’t Starbucks!”

Ramsay was last spotted visiting the bookstore, where he reportedly bought a few shirts to remember his trip. While working on the episode, he brought up to Daufman that there should be more places around Bexley where students can use CapBucks, which was quickly shot down by the university. 

The newest episode is set to air in a few months. There will be a viewing party hosted by MDR when the episode releases that promises “free chicken sandwiches and all the lemon water a student could want.”  Students are reportedly disappointed that beef wellington will not be served, but are not surprised, as the viewing party is estimated to have every student in attendance. 

Furthermore, the Chimes has received a lead that Gordan Ramsey is set to return next year to the university as an adjunct professor.

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