May 19, 2024

Satire: University bans heterosexuality

Monday, March 27, at approximately 2:16 p.m., university President Kave Daufman declared that heterosexuality is officially prohibited on campus.

The choice was made in response to complaints from several students and staff members who agreed that the presence of heterosexuals causes discomfort and fosters a dangerous atmosphere. 

Daufman gave the university’s justification for the prohibition in a statement released hours after the initial announcement, stating: 

“We are dedicated to establishing a secure and welcoming atmosphere for each and every pupil, teacher, and employee. After serious thought, we have determined that heterosexuality is irreconcilable with this objective; and, as a result, all heterosexual conduct and behavior will be met with immediate disciplinary action.” 

Students and community members have engaged in a contentious discussion over the news, with many voicing surprise and incredulity at the decision. Some have even claimed that it violates fundamental human rights.

The ban’s effects are already being felt by many students. Some report having trouble finding romantic connections while others report feeling lonely and ostracized from college life.

“I don’t even know what’s acceptable and what’s not,” Eileen Ulick, a heterosexual student, said. “I’ve always been drawn to men, but right now I feel like I can’t admit that without getting in trouble. It seems like they want to hide a facet of who I am.”

Other students are in full support of the ban, believing that it was only a matter of time. 

“Girl,” says gay student Aneed Munny, “It’s about time. I didn’t enroll here to see Steven and Jessica from Chem-203 smacking lips, I came here for a bachelor’s degree so I can get a job that doesn’t force me to interact with people who write me off as soon as they hear my voice.” 

“I feel so proud to be a part of a university that is finally taking a stance against heterosexuality,” says lesbian student Anita Baddie. “I saw a guy holding hands with a girl last week near the fountains and felt sick. What if there were kids nearby?”

Feeling outcast, a group of heterosexual students planned to rally together for a demonstration in reaction to the prohibition, urging the institution to reconsider its choice. Officials from the university immediately called off the demonstration, citing the prohibition on heterosexual gatherings as the cause for dispersion. 

“I feel so hopeless,” says Generic Caucasity, a straight student. “My boyfriend, David, dumped me for his best friend and they won’t stop calling me, farting and blaming it on me.”

“Yeah, dumping Generic for Kyle was the best decision of my life,” David, a newly gay student, says. “She farts a lot–tell everyone you know!” 

Despite the immense backlash, the university has stood by its decision to ban heterosexuality. “Beyond everything else, the health and safety of our students matter the most,” President Daufman says. “We’re beyond thrilled to continue implementing new rules and procedures that coincide with this ban.”

Whether or not the prohibition has succeeded in the desired result of fostering a more welcoming atmosphere on campus, only time will tell. 

In the meantime, straight students are left to ponder whether they will ever genuinely feel welcomed at Capital University.


  • Kevin Capron

    Kevin is a graduating senior majoring in Emerging Media and Journalism. He enjoys learning, traveling and making new friends.

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