May 19, 2024

Satire: New students scurry onto campus: #CapFam welcomes cockroaches in the classroom

Recently, the university’s Board of Trustees voted to start charging tuition to cockroaches after several complaints arose from students that the insects were in several classrooms on campus.

This issue was on the docket for a while now, so it comes as no surprise that the university went with the financially sound decision. “We could have spent a good portion of our budget on hiring an exterminator,” said University President Kave Daufman, “but the board decided to err on the side of inclusivity.”

This verdict follows an earlier board decision back in January to charge cockroaches for housing.

“I was honestly surprised at the roaches’ ability to pay for housing,” said Gon Jeyer, the director of Residential and Commuter Life. “I came into the office one day to find a massive pile of cash on my desk with a note that said it was from the roaches. I counted it and it was the exact amount required for 48,214 students’ residential dues.”

All registered cockroach students are now getting their own student ID cards. The university had to have tiny cards specially commissioned for each cockroach that paid for tuition. 

Each cockroach will be receiving their own tiny student ID. Photo by Nikki Healy.

The roaches are being assigned living spaces under the assumption that 20 cockroaches roughly equate to one human student. So, an on-campus double might have two human students, 20 cockroaches and one human student, or 40 cockroach students in one room. A similar ratio is being used in the classroom to finalize rosters for the fall 2023 semester.

New roach resident doors will appear similar to this one, with roach door decks on the left and human door decks on the right. Photo by Trinity Langbein.

The university bookstore is currently scrambling to order tiny textbooks so that they’ll be able to account for the inflation of student body numbers. They are also working on getting a good amount of tiny school supplies (such as pencils, pens, binders, backpacks and notebooks).

As full-time students, cockroaches will be allowed to join student organizations, so it is possible you’ll start seeing the Chimes staff box changing over the next few years. Fraternity and Sorority Life is expected to take full advantage of all the new students. 

DJ ROACH attending his first shift on WXCU Radio. Photo by Parken Brown.

The university is currently looking to hire cockroach interpreters to help with this transition. If you know someone who would qualify for this position, the university asks that they reach out soon.

Accessibility Services is currently investigating ways to decrease the amount of crows on campus so that the new students can attend their classes without being devoured.

The general consensus of the student body is indifference towards this news. One student I interviewed, Hugh Jass had this to say: “I mean, it’s been made pretty clear to me in the past few years that Capital isn’t going to do anything about my ‘roommates.’ So, I guess I’m not upset that the board decided to officially educate the roaches on campus and bump up their own numbers while doing so.”

Three cockroach pals hanging out in the Convergent Media Center. Photo by Parken Brown.

While no official statement has been made, many students, faculty and staff members expect to see Otterbein University adopt a similar policy next year.

Many students are excited to see more cockroaches on campus, as this choice will affect student life for the foreseeable future. On Twitter, #WelcomeCapRoaches is currently trending in the Columbus area.

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