June 23, 2024

Satire: University to pay adjuncts in Kohl’s Cash

After a long-awaited change, the university made an announcement on March 28 that will drastically improve the lives of adjuncts. 

“I really can’t believe it,” said Amy Simmons, a nursing adjunct professor. “I never thought they would raise our pay, but here we are. This is such an improvement and I can’t wait to head to Kohl’s.” 

In a packed auditorium, President Kave Daufman made the announcement that the university would begin paying adjuncts in Kohl’s Cash at the beginning of the next pay period.

“We always take care of our Cap Fam, and our adjuncts won’t be paid less than they deserve,” Daufman said. “That is why we have decided to begin paying our adjuncts in Kohl’s Cash. Truly, the possibilities in that place are endless.”

Kohl’s Cash is a type of coupon that can be used only at the department store, Kohl’s. One typically earns Kohl’s Cash by spending a certain amount of money at Kohl’s during a Kohl’s Cash promotional period. For example, one would spend $50 of real money and earn $10 of Kohl’s Cash. 

While adjunct pay varies depending on a variety of factors, it was stated during the presentation that adjuncts can expect around $22,000 in Kohl’s Cash annually.  

“This will attract the best adjuncts from across the state to come work for us,” Daufman said. “We are truly pioneers in everything we do. We listen to our students and staff and make the necessary changes.”

During the announcement, the crowd lit up, with many clapping, smiling and a few getting emotional.

“I honestly cried when I heard the news … I can finally get some clothes for my children,” said John Brown, an English adjunct professor. “I mean Kohl’s really has everything you could need. Clothes, shoes, home decor … without having to use real money for these things, I can actually save the money from my second job at Wendy’s to pay for my mortgage.”

Brown’s 5-year-old son Timmy also chimed in, “Now I want to be an adjunct when I grow up!”

This is the first time adjunct pay has been changed at the university since 1870. 

“We’re really hoping the switch to Kohl’s Cash will make our adjuncts actually give a hoot about their classes,” said University Provost Fody Journier. “I really think this might make them actually want to stay here at Capital, you know, for more than like a semester.”

Although this is a great improvement for adjunct faculty, it does come at a cost.

“Sadly, we will have to raise students’ tuition to afford this,” Journier said. “It will be about a $10,000 increase. We had to do a lot of negotiations with Kohl’s to pull off getting so much Kohl’s Cash.”

Although there will be a raise in student tuition, this decision is backed by lots of support from faculty and staff, with many adjuncts excited for their future at Capital. The CEO of Kohl’s also shared their enthusiasm.

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