June 23, 2024

Satire: Kim Jong Un speaks on spy balloons

Almost everyone who hasn’t been living under a rock has heard about the international Chinese spy balloon incident that took place at the end of January. Unfortunately, most of the information that was originally reported about the incident has turned out to be falsified.

The spy balloons were in fact, not Chinese, but rather Korean. North Korean, to be exact.

Apparently, in an effort to invite various world leaders to his exclusive 39th birthday party, North Korea’s Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un demanded his government-employed scientists to create balloons that would float directly to the world leaders he wished to invite.

The balloons, to Kim’s dismay, were not received the way that he intended. During an international press conference that took place this past Sunday, Kim had this to say:

“The balloons are top-tier technology from The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. For anyone to assume that the technology was Chinese is a slap to my country’s face … I also want them back. We worked really hard on them. You all are the reason why they didn’t reach the right people in enough time for them to come to my party.”

When asked by a reporter why Kim did not just send a normal form of communication to world leaders for his birthday party invitations, Kim frowned indignantly.

“I can literally do whatever I want. The pandemic was stupid, and long, and was not ideal for me. I haven’t been able to hang out with Donald-boy or the others in years. And it was my birthday– ‘nuff said.”

Xi Jinping, President of the People’s Republic of China, was also present at the international press conference to support Kim. 

“I know that my country is the brunt of a lot of technological terrorism allegations,” Xi asserted, “but, for once, The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea actually did something sorta mid with their balloon tech. It’s a shame that no one could decipher Kim’s message, though.” 

When a reporter confronted Xi about originally claiming the balloons as “Chinese meteorological research balloons that flew off course,” he rebutted by saying that one of his government aides actually “lost her job over that blunder.”

After the press conference, former President Donald Trump weighed in on Kim’s actions:

“You know, I think that Kim is a very respectable man with very respectable balloons. I liked his balloons; they were very creative. Took the world by storm. They were also very big. Gotta respect a man with big balloons. I’d gladly go to Kim’s next birthday party. His 40th will be the best he’s ever had, guarantee it.” 

When the former president was asked if the security of the United States was actually compromised by Kim’s balloon invitations, Trump replied:

“Why don’t you ask Sleepy Joe? He’s the reason something like this got blown out of proportion anyways. His administration, they literally got it all wrong. If I was still in office, this never would have happened–I would have called Xi and Kim myself and figured it out with them. I could’ve put my opinion of China aside for one phone call. That’s diplomacy.” 

At the time of this article, President Joe Biden and his administration has yet to comment on the actions of either Xi or Kim, as the press conference took place during the president’s afternoon naptime.

Author

  • Trinity Langbein

    Trinity is a senior English Literature, Creative Writing and Spanish triple-major. She enjoys all things humanities and loves to learn about different cultures.

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