August 18, 2022

Satire: Bald Brawl: Jody and Dave go “Head to Head”

Going bald is an unfortunate natural process that many men have to go through. One study conducted by Buffoons Inc. found that literally all men will lose some of the hair currently on their heads in their lifetime. 

So, how do you combat this? How does one avoid becoming a dull, walking mid-life-crisis billboard? Well, it is all about the attitude that a man has about his hair or lack thereof. 

Jody Funion, the senior vice-general manager lieutenant provost at Capital University has always been the bright, gleaming bald man in a suit on campus. His office chair is a massive chrome throne he refers to as the ‘throne of the balds.’ 

This Funion, silent yet obvious, kind yet dangerous, svelte yet…where was I? (You may think the Chimes should only post facts, that is indeed a fact).

Anyway, Funion has a new challenger, the interim president Dave Mankauf and his glossy noggin has arrived and, for the time being, assumed control of the campus. This is implying a direct challenge to Funions ‘throne of the balds.’

Mankauf said, “I am an ambitious man, I like to live dangerously.” Now, we all knew Funion was not having this. 

In a response, Funion said, “I recognize [Mankauf] as the temporary president of Capital University, but the throne of the balds, that belongs to me and me alone.”

In order for Funion to regain control of his glistening kingdom, he and Mankauf have agreed to compete in a professional, well-organized test of hairless supremacy. 

So naturally, a WWE-style cage match will be taking place at the fountains on Sunday, April 20.

The cage will go around the concrete blocks surrounding the fountains, and the fountains will be on full blast.

It will have traditional cage match rules: anything goes and the only way to win is by climbing over the top of the cage.

But wait, are there weapons allowed? Of course, there are. Plastic folding chairs are a favorite of Mankauf’s, meanwhile, Funion has always been drawn to the sticky tables in the student union lobby. 

“I’m going to pile drive him straight through those tables, he won’t know what hit him,” Funion said. 

Mankauf, is taking a more strategic approach saying, “I’m planning on sneaking a small can of polish in my trunks, and when I have Funion reeling on the ground, polish my head and reflect the sun’s light into his eyes and use one of those weird smelling chairs. Don’t put that in your article though.”

Funion challenged Manfauf via Twitter dm that was leaked to the Trapital Twitter account. 

The Challenge read, “I have seen you around on this campus, walking around like you own the place. You don’t, this place belongs to my sparkling dome, and come 4/20 in a cage match, you’re going to have to watch me climb over the top as you’re stuck to one of the student union lobby tables.”

Mankauf responded simply, “You’re on.”

No word yet on the outfits the two will be wearing, but expect something resembling their personalities. Perhaps it will be plain black leggings, perhaps it will be gold plated-zebra print chaps, only time will tell.

  • Josh Conturo is a reporter for the Chimes and a fourth-year studying Emerging Media with an emphasis on journalism, and loves all things related to cars, coffee, and comedy.

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