April 15, 2021

Satire: Capital PD Gets An Upgrade

Police cars have always had an integral part in American pop culture, from The Blues Brothers to video games, the list goes on and on. 

However, in some countries, they play an even more significant role in the culture and society. Take Dubai’s police force, for instance. They have models from Lamborghini, Mercedes, Ferrari, even Bugatti included in their fleet. 

Capital University’s public safety has been driving in squalor for far too long. So, Major Senior General Deputy Lieutenant Mike Fartsomore spoke with the powers that be in the finance department, as well as with President Mankauf. 

Together, they have decided to cut all funding from housing and have decided to sell the current fleet to get one supercar and one ultra-luxury SUV. However, Fartsomore and Mankauf declined to say what makes or models would be purchased exactly. 

More than likely their purchases will consist of a Lamborghini Gallardo and an older G-wagon or Range Rover, as those have all depreciated as if they fell off a cliff (you didn’t think Capital’s housing budget could afford a Bugatti, could you?).

If that is the case, the Lambo will be powered by a 5 or 5.2 Litre V10 and will produce anywhere from about 490 horsepower to about 560 and one of the most glorious man-made noises in history. So, about at least the same power and a much better noise than what the new generation Corvette makes. 

This is all great and dandy, but what is CUPD going to do if they catch a perp with this thing, just sit them in the passenger seat?

Perhaps that is what the other two options are for. The G-wagon, depending on what year or trim, could have an asthmatic diesel engine or a twin-turbo V12. 

The Range Rover could also have a variety of engines but it likely won’t matter because it will always be broken down (OOO, sick burn).

This should be great for increasing Capital’s environmentally friendly image.

Fartsomore said, “It was actually a pretty easy decision, considering how out of date our old fleet was, those ancient Fords were just not cutting it. I got burned by an early 2000’s Civic the other day on patrol and that was the final straw.”

Fords built around the time of the Great Recession are not known for their reliability or speed, or general quality…and Capital PD has had enough. 

“Considering the current financial state of the university, specifically the residence life department, in the end, it came down to this or give Lohman Hall air conditioning, this was a decision we just could not pass up,” Mankauf said. 

The new patrol cars were abandoned in the desert just outside Dubai after the now-former owners were unable to make the payments and were avoiding the comparably harsh laws surrounding late payments.

The cars will be acquired by an anonymous seller, who presumably resides in Dubai, and shipped over to New York and finally, to the Public Safety building.

  • Josh Conturo is a reporter for the Chimes and a sophomore studying emerging media with an emphasis on journalism, and loves all things related to cars, coffee, and comedy.

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