May 27, 2022

Satire: New zoo opens at Capital after Columbus Zoo fiasco

One of the main tourist attractions that Columbus offers is the world-famous zoo. Recently, some questionable decisions have resulted in the Columbus Zoo losing its accreditation.

Those looking to visit Columbus and still see a world-class zoo should not worry. Recently Capital University announced that they would be opening a new zoo to compete with the acclaimed Columbus Zoo. 

A multitude of animals have already relocated to the Capital Zoo, and their presence can be seen across the Bexley campus. 

One of the many areas of expertise for the Capital Zoo is its aviary. The birds in this program are free to explore their habitat and enjoy all the wondrous facilities that the Capital Zoo aviary has to offer them. 

Some popular members of this program include Phyllis, the rare wooden flamingo, often seen enjoying her habitat on the second floor of the library; and the pink cockatoo, which has been spotted visiting its friend Phylis and enjoying the birdbath. 

The Capital Zoo has some new exotic animals on display for visitors to enjoy, as well. 

One new addition is the rare white elephant. This elephant was recently rescued by the university, taking it away from the circus where it was forced to perform for the entertainment of others. Now, it can provide amusement by simply existing, which is much easier on the elephant. 

Be careful when walking through some of the low-hanging trees that are scattered around campus, as some of the Capital Zoo’s animals now reside in them. Animals such as koalas and sloths can sometimes be seen resting in these trees alongside the world-famous Capital squirrels that terrorize Saylor-Ackermann residents. 

The Capital Zoo does not just specialize in animals that live far away, either. One of the more popular animals at the zoo is the badger. Coming all the way from Wisconsin, this Badger fits right in at the Capital Zoo, and its cry is really something to behold, as well! It has been said to sound eerily close to a marching band performing the Wisconsin University fight song.

 A warning to students, though: be careful when wearing Ohio State gear– the badger does not like the Buckeyes and may become aggravated. 

The animals that inhabit the Capital Zoo are allowed to live in relative freedom. The nature preserve-style of habitat allows for frequent interaction between animals and guests. 

“Many of the animals here are very friendly!” said President and Capital Zoo CEO Dove Coughwoman. “They’ll walk right up to ya!” he said with a chuckle as he began to pet one of the animals that had wandered past. “We’re building something special here at the Capital Zoo, and unlike our neighbors down the road, we are going to do everything by the book! So come on down and see for yourself!”

  • Anthony DiCerbo is a junior at Capital majoring in professional writing/ journalism. Anthony is an avid sports fan and enjoys watching and writing about football, hockey, and various esports.

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