September 29, 2022

Satire: Underground secret society with ties to Capital University exposed

On Monday, March 21, an anonymous Capital University student revealed to the Chimes that a secret society meets in the abandoned tunnels under campus, with some members even living in these underground networks on a permanent basis. 

The source was previously a member of the secret society but decided to step away. 

“The tunnels aren’t very clean but we just thought they’d have to work,” the source said. “Because we did not want anyone to find out about us and no one knew about the tunnels. Black mold grows everywhere.”

The source explained the black mold growing in the tunnels may be related to the constant black mold issues in the showers of Capital’s dorms.

“Yeah, some of the members live down there. I can’t imagine doing that, but a lot of the first-year members have said it’s better than Lohman,” the source said.

Many Capital organizations are supposedly involved in this secret society in order to gain status and a larger budget.

The source revealed that ANP, Capital Tru and Greek life, among others, are involved in this secret society. Some faculty members are involved, as well. 

Members are sworn to secrecy and have attempted to conceal the existence of the group. 

Although colleges and universities such as Yale have a long history of secret societies, it is a surprise to many students that Capital has one. 

“No one even knows what this school is, how do we have a secret society?” first-year Morgan Brown said. 

Third-year student Emily Smith, expressed her discontent with the news of a secret society being at Capital. 

“Honestly, I think it’s really disappointing that a school that claims to be inclusive would have a secret society and then its members would like, turn around and gaslight the rest of us,” Smith said. “If you’re going to have a secret society, at least make sure everyone has an equal chance and opportunity to get in. It just doesn’t seem right to me.”

The Chimes reached out to all the organizations with supposed ties to the society and received nothing of substance back. 

“L.O.L. this is comical, I could not be more disinterested in an interview,” ANP member Kaylee Freeman said. 

Other organizations have yet to make a statement. 

The source also suggested the price of tuition is so expensive due to a portion of the money being used to fund secret society activities. 
The Chimes will continue to report on this topic as new information surfaces.

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