Satire: The Zig introduces new Capital-themed specialty drink
The university’s favorite dive-bar is releasing a new drink to appeal to Capital University students. If you’re a student at Capital University, which if you’re …
Satire: Goodbye Crusaders, hello Crickets
The university has decided to throw Cappy the Crusader into the abyss in order to make room for their new mascot, Capster Cricket. Doing away …
Satire: University adds new signature learning courses
Starting fall of 2020, the university will now require incoming first-years to take three new signature learning courses in addition to the ones they are …
Satire: Simps take over Lohman halls
UPDATE: Since the initial writing of this story, the situation has changed. The article has been updated with more information since the removal of students …
Satire: Squirrels keep residence halls on lockdown
Governor DeWine has a new ally in enforcing the stay-at-home order: the Capital University squirrels. That’s right, the squirrels on campus, notorious for trying to …
Satire: ‘The Chimes’ cancels print forever
The Chimes has ceased running print editions until the end of time. Since a “stay-at-home” order has been enforced due to the spreading of COVID-19, …