September 29, 2022

Satire: Murderous ravens and parrot wreak havoc on campus

Capital Communications released a health advisory two days ago in response to the student tradition of licking the unnamed blue art piece diagonal from Blackmore Library.

Capital Communications:

HEALTH ADVISORY

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

“There have been eleven recorded cases of Psittacosis among the student body within the past two weeks. Although potential reasons why the infection has spread remains ambiguous, it is evident that a warning must be given. For the safety and wellness of all students, faculty, and staff, please do not lick any surfaces on Capital University’s premises. I’m sure most of you have heard this before, but please, keep your tongue in your mouth.”

Just hours later, Capital Communications released an incident report of an assault on campus.

Time of Incident: Between noon and 2 p.m.

Date of Report: Friday, Mar. 25, 2022

Location: Outside the CMC

Incident Type: Assault

“Capital Police are investigating the assault of a student who was ambushed by an unkindness of ravens and one parrot. The reasoning behind the assault is unknown, however, it is advised that all students, faculty and staff, stay clear of the blue sculpture approximately 15 meters southwest of Blackmore Library. It appears that the parrot and ravens have claimed that area as their own. More updates to come as Capital Police take every precautionary action they can (meaning ticketing every student who comes near the area).”

Holly Lou, third-year nursing major and bird-attack survivor, sat down to discuss exactly what happened on the day of the assault. 

“I was literally walking to class when I heard a [obscenity] parrot screech from above me. It sounded like ‘CACAW,’ ‘CACAW,’ ‘CACAW,’ and I swore I could hear it scream, ‘I’m gonna get you, you little [obscenity]!’” 

Holly explained how she bagan running for her life, clutching her Birkin bag full of empty gum wrappers and loose change as tightly as she could.

“Then all of the sudden, like, it felt like a bazillion little knives were stabbing me but it was the [obscenity] ravens! I think that nasty [obscenity] parrot is like choosing victims for the ravens, or it’s like their ring leader or something.” Holly said as she wiped away an imaginary tear. 

Unfortunately, the interview with Holly ended abruptly, as she had a tanning appointment she was running late to. 

However, to aid in the explanation of this never-before-seen phenomenon, Dr. Jeff Guest, beloved faculty member and (self-proclaimed) celebrity bird expert, sat down with “the Chimes” for an exclusive interview. 

“I’m not sure why there is a singular parrot collaborating with an unkindness of ravens to assault a young lady on campus, and frankly I don’t really care,” Dr. Guest said in his delightfully stern voice. “I’m more worried about the Psittacosis infections spreading through the student body. Psittacosis is an incredibly infectious disease that spreads to humans via bird droppings, particularly those of the parrot family, which is where the majority of my concern comes from,” Dr. Guest continued.

“In the midst of dozens of ravens defecating their days away on the blue art piece, one singular parrot has managed to produce enough guano to trigger eleven cases of Psittacosis among the student body. It’s simply not possible, unless students are literally licking and slurping the sculpture, which couldn’t possibly be the case. ” Dr. Guest assuredly said. 

Subsequent to displaying the no-lick announcement broadcasted by Capital Communications to Dr. Guest, he slouched his shoulders and rested his beautiful, bald head into his hands to ponder on and process the information he just received. 

“Okay, well, if this crap isn’t a photoshop project for one of your little art classes, then someone is going to have to get busy disinfecting the sculpture and warding off the birds,” Dr. Guest said in a solemn tone. 

“So good luck with that, I’m going to use all of my paid time off until campus is free from the birds. Just kidding, this school doesn’t give its faculty PTO.” Dr. Guest laughed in what appeared to be an attempt to hide his discontent. 

Updates to come as the ravens, parrot and astonishingly infectious Psittacosis cases leave Capital University’s campus in horror. 

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