November 26, 2022

Satire: Chevy Celebrity is the best car ever created

Many people think that American cars from the 1980s are less than spectacular, needlessly massive, lazy, slow and badly made. However, is it possible that is not entirely accurate? 

Sure, the general build quality was abysmal, as was reliability, performance, safety and efficiency. But what about the non-quantifiables: the way the car feels, how it makes the driver feel and the size of the smile it puts on your face. 

Cars that are famous for having that in spades are ones like the Porsche 911 GT3 RS, Ferrari 458 and Alfa Romeo 4C. Dare I say we need to add the Chevrolet Celebrity to that lis?. 

If you are unaware, the Celebrity was something of an ‘80s faux-econobox; the basic model was small and cheap, but had amenities that were considered luxurious at the time as optional extras. 

It has a similar feel to a Mazda Miata in that it is astonishingly slow. The nuclear bomb that powers the celebrity is a 2.5-liter 4-cylinder that, when new, produced a breathtaking 98 horsepower. All that power is just barely sent to the front wheels through a three, yes, only three, speed automatic gearbox. 

God help those tires–no set of rubber has ever had to deal with such strain. 

However, that lack of oomph leaves you with one option: to obliterate the throttle all the time just to make it up to the speed limit. Beating on cars is fun, and the Celebrity forces you to beat on it whether you want to or not. It is what is known as ‘slow-car-fast.’

The lack of traction, stability, and anti-lock brake control is reminiscent of Porsche’s 911 GT3 RS, as is the raw, unfiltered engine noise. It permeates your very bones the same way an old, bumpy roller coaster does. You get out feeling exhausted, and just thankful to be breathing in and out. 

The roly poly body is entirely disconnected from the road, which leads you to think “Oh yeah, I’m in control,” and as soon as you try to take a corner at any speed you think “Oh boy, here comes that tree.” It’s the same sort of unpredictable psychopathic energy you get from an Italian stallion.

The raw, pure driving experience could prove a good lesson for the new Corvette. All images by Josh Conturo.

It also has a unique charm, perhaps it is the interior trim that is held together by chewing gum and dreams. Or maybe the front and rear bench seats that squeak and jiggle around as you drive around, or the turn signal that sounds like a rat pounding on an empty coke can. 

This reckless abandon of quality sounds like one rare, exciting and hastily built Italian sports car, the 4C. See what I’m getting at here?

Since the Chevy Celebrity has characteristics from some of the greatest, most fun cars of all time…Dare I say it is also one of the best?

Car enthusiasts all over the world have been throbbing for the Chevy Celebrity, but nobody is brave enough to admit it. 

It has been the automotive equivalent for the last forty years of watching a strange anime cartoon and then deleting it from your Netflix history, or browser history for that matter, so you don’t lose your cred in case anyone else sees that you like it. 

You know you love it, you just hate the fact that you do.

  • Josh Conturo is a reporter for the Chimes and a fourth-year studying Emerging Media with an emphasis on journalism, and loves all things related to cars, coffee, and comedy.

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